THE iNSANITY

Tw; mental health crisis It’s happening, I can feel the numbness and euphoria of being sad again, I just want to cry, my eyes start hurting, as my mouth is dry. The light starts looking off, a bit yellow, it's usually very bright, I open and close my eyes as I try to adjust to it. Maybe it's because I've been on my phone the whole day. My head hurts but I feel like the world is ending as I try to breathe in and out. My body hurts as I try to switch from one side of the bed to the other once more time so I don't develop bed-sores again even if I know it' s not working. Tears start streaming down my eyes, I keep breathing, my chest feels tight. I feel like vomiting, but can't get up to try, so I just stare at my phone once more and wish everything would end soon. But you promised you are doing better, no suicide thoughts, remember? I say in my head as I try to write everything down for the next psychologist session. I try to write horror stories to numb the pain, view it as a way to distract on something worse or creepier, give it a twist of creativity you could say so, so nobody feels sad for me, I hate making people sad or cry about my story, I don’t need your pity. I just want to be heard and then finally, click. I'm spiraling once more, my C-PTSD makes sure I'm miserable every day remembering everything ive gone through… mom can you call my name one more time? I say as I watch her continue her life as I rot in one place. Once my mom told me nobody would believe me and I believed her, stayed quiet for as long as I could to protect her. As I write this I keep getting distracted trying to align the words to the page with the window view, ocd is not as simple as describing it but I won't go to that rabbit hole, at least not now. Haven't been able to shower in four days because they changed the lock for my bathroom’s door and now it doesn't close, so I sit on the floor of the cold bathroom as I remember how he watches me, as a 7 year old corpse begging to be revived and kept alive as the evil man dismembered her, picks and chooses what parts he liked best. I tried to die once was the biggest lie I ever told because in reality I tried hundreds of times and never worked. I hugged the dog outside, showered with dirt. Well, at least he was cleaner than me because I was wasted, dirty like a rag, used, but only big enough to reach the reality of what was happening to me. As I got older I finally understood there is no way out that keeps me here in this world. I would try to run away, oh how I tried, but every fucking time he catched up to me with his father BMW’s, he would pull my hair bash my soul into the car and dragged me to my mom’s to quote “ask for forgiveness” bc he viewed himself as a god, so indestructible, so unreachable but little me could see it too as I begged for forgivenes every day of my life wishing things could end in some type of way that made sense. As the clothes brush my skin that tingle of disgust rises, so I spread open my hands, close my eyes tight, trying to prevent a bad memory from spreading through my body. But once more is too late that image is here as I scream internally for help but nobody listens. God please spare me from your presence as I bang my chest and pull my heart out for me to bleed out just like that random Tuesday on the bathroom floor. As I cry my needs out you both stare at me with those dark eyes. How I begged and begged to be saved but forced a smile even if my whole body ached and bleeded out under my clothes, it stained it but I didn't care nobody noticed anyway. I grew thinner and thinner to make myself as horror-like as possible to give out no sexual indications or at least I thought it helped so I grasp this reality harder even if it could be the death of me. Once more I didn't care if it killed me because I was already dismembered, remember? Losing 2 pounds a day felt like I was flying and dying at the same time, I liked that. I liked the lack of attention I received from him, every day even less because every day I was thinner and thinner as 80 pounds for a 5 '9 teenage girl. In a way the game and power took place, he dominated my brain, made me think he was greater than god almost in a cult manner, people that have not been in this situation may misinterpret the situation or think “how could you ever end up in that position” well when you are in a vulnerable situation or emotionally fragile or even worse you are a kid being neglected well everything can be possible. Mind controlling could fit in 3 main fases, convincing, hierarchy and competition and finally full indoctrination. First the promising starts, promising greatness, salvation or any point of interest on the perpetrator. Hierarchy and competition make them question themselves, compete for attention of the “higher one” that you can give them purpose, if they follow you you will reach that, and finally full indoctrination, at this fase you dont need a reasson you dont need explanation of what is right or wrong because you are so heavily invested and manipulated things just make sense in your eyes, even rape and pedophilia. Now the way he would say so many horrible things and make you feel and think he was the only one that is right, you know you are probably doomed at this point.